אונזער אלטמאדישע פארקרומטע וועג פון מאכן שידוכים

Dear Friend or Wife:
I suspect that what I am about to tell you will surprise and even upset some people but I am going to say it anyway. A husband and wife do not need to be each other’s best friends, or even friends at all. They need to be husband and wife.

Unfortunately, there is widespread confusion about this matter even among Torah-observant communities. I cannot tell you how many calls I have received from young people at all stages of the shidduchim process who are second-guessing perfectly good shidduchim all because they don’t have the same feelings with their future spouse as they do when hanging out with friends. Somehow, bachurim got the idea that they should be comparing their potential wife to their favorite chavrusa from yeshivah while the girls started thinking they should feel the same around their chasan as they do with a close friend. How such an obviously unnatural idea can become so casually and widely accepted boggles the mind.

Yet, contrary to what may currently be considered “fashionable” thinking, the relationship between a husband and wife is not a kind of friendship. Indeed, marriage and friendship are so vastly different from each other that it would be erroneous even to compare the two. They are simply two different leagues.

By way of analogy, in this world there are the inanimate, vegetative, animal, and human kingdoms, and although each one is superior to the previous one, they do not exist on a continuum. That is to say that each category is separated from the other by a gulf of incomparability. For instance, the most rare and precious inanimate object such as a precious gem still cannot be compared to the simplest vegetative organism, for one is inert and the other is a living thing. Likewise, the most complex plant still does not compare to the tiniest animal, and the most highly-functioning animal still does not compare to the simplest human being (although there is confusion about this matter too nowadays. I will leave you to ponder whether the two concepts are related.)

Furthermore, no matter how well an inanimate object serves its function, it will never “graduate” to become vegetative life just as the plant by being the very best plant it can be will never become an animal and an animal does not “matriculate” into becoming a human being.

In a similar fashion, the relationship between husband and wife is not a “special type of friendship,” or even what happens to friendship when it reaches its fullest potential.

The popular myth of marriage as “the ultimate friendship” stems from an agenda to tear down age-old social norms and promote friendships between the genders.

One of the greatest justifications for this breach (back when people still sought justification) was that such conduct would produce the very best marriages.

Just how blatantly wrong this idea has been, both in theory and in practice, requires no elaboration.

The point is that marriage is in a class by itself so that it cannot be compared to any other relationship—except for perhaps the relationship between the Jewish people and Hashem, which only goes to prove the point.

When the wisest of all men, Shlomo Hamelech, wanted to describe the relationship between the Jewish people and Hashem, he specifically chose the metaphor of marriage.

In the case of the Jewish people and Hashem, their covenant was not the culmination of another kind of relationship that preceded it. Spiritually speaking, the relationship was established before the creation of the word. Granted, on a historical level, Matan Torah was the event that constituted the acceptance of the covenant, but that was an affirmation of something that already existed—as the Sages (Shabbos 88a) tell us, at the outset of creation Hashem made the existence of the world “conditional” upon Bnei Yisrael’s acceptance of the Torah 2,448 years later.

Similarly, the marriage of man and woman is not a bond forged between two people but rather the predestined reunion of a single being that had been estranged from itself at birth. (See Zohar I, 91b) This is the deeper significance of what our sages have said (Menachos 93a) “Ishto k’gufo, a man’s wife is as his own body.”

I understand these are lofty ideas, but you can look in your kesubah and see in “earthly” terms what this relationship is supposed to look like. “I will work for you, honor, provide for, and support you, in accordance with the practice of Jewish husbands, who work for their wives, honor, provide for and support them in truth.” Friends enjoy each other’s company but spouses devote their lives to each other and in so doing embark upon the most important project that any human could ever be involved in—making a home for Hashem here in this world.

In light of the above, I hope you will understand why I say that your present dilemma is only so in your own mind.

As you yourself state quite plainly at the beginning of your letter, what prompted you to write me was that you just finished reading an article about the “problem” of spouses not properly bonding. I did not read the article, so I cannot distinguish between what the article actually said and what you took away from it. All that is relevant to the present discussion is that,
a) in your view, the article’s conclusion was that “one’s spouse is supposed to be one’s closest companion,” and
b) you have accepted the truth of this conclusion.

You then wrote to me under the influence of this kind of thinking.

Obviously, one article did not give rise to your entire conflict, but it seems from your letter that you have heard similar messages elsewhere and you’ve been considering these kinds of ideas for a while. And that is precisely my point. You’ve been exposed to certain ideas, or your impressions of these ideas, and this has led to your becoming disappointed with your marriage. This is what I mean when I say that your dilemma is of your own making.

Consider for a moment the thought process that you have described: “Often I think about what marriage means to me…[and] to my husband…but these are all practical things… and while this is all amazing, for some reason it feels wrong.”

First, notice that the first thing you say is “often I think.” Hashem gave us a powerful tool called a brain so that we could know Him and His Torah and have clarity in life, not so that we should torture ourselves and be plagued with frustration and doubt. Next, do you see how you refuse to take joy in the blessings of your marriage by dismissing them as “practical”? Would you look down at physical health for being too practical? Or how about a good parnasah? Is that also too practical? You admit that what you have is “amazing,” yet instead of taking joy in that, you find fault.

And then you conclude by admitting that there is no real reason to be unhappy with your marriage other than “for some reason it feels wrong.” Your whole conclusion is based on nothing more than a “feeling.”

What’s more, you’re not sure even what that feeling is based on—it’s just “for some reason.” You really couldn’t be more vague than that. But the reason for your ambiguity is that you yourself are unconvinced of the very ideas with which you torment yourself.

So my advice to you is twofold. First of all, count your blessings in your marriage. Hashem has given you a devoted life-partner. The connection you have with him is something that you do not have with anyone else in this world, particularly as you have been blessed with children, baruch Hashem, whom you are raising together in the path of Torah. There is nothing more worthy than that.

Second of all, I advise you to enjoy your friendships without guilt. Having friends is not something to be troubled about.
Having friends is a good thing, as our Sages have enjoined us (Avos 1:6) “acquire for yourself a friend.” I am not aware of any Torah sources that limit that teaching to single people or that imply that once one is married that this friend must be one’s spouse. To the contrary, experience and common sense show that having friends is good for one’s marriage. Of course one might argue that they can cite examples of toxic friendships that damaged shalom bayis. A moment’s reflection, however, should be enough for one to realize that such cases are the rare exception and not at all the rule.

Now, there is a separate issue that is somewhat common today (and you did touch upon it in your letter) and that is the preoccupation with social media. This is a real problem that does adversely affect marriages. But again, that is not an indictment of friendship. Indeed, one might argue that social media adversely affects friendships too and has diminished the quality of our relationships overall. However, as you say, this is not an issue for you or your husband, baruch Hashem.

Before concluding I want to mention that if you are looking for an area in which to improve your marriage, there is one activity that you do not overtly mention being involved in with your husband. In contrast with some of the negative trends that I spoke about earlier, there is a positive development in that it has become customary in our generation for a husband and wife to study Torah together. This merging of “kol chasan v’kol kallah” with the “kol Torah” has a wonderful effect on the home and is a source of blessing. As such, it would be worthwhile to establish set times of Torah study together with your husband. This is, of course, in addition to what you say that both you and your husband enjoy reading my column and thus (I assume) discussing it with each other as well. I also want to thank you for sharing that bit of information, which was most gratifying for me to read.

May you and your husband be blessed with ever-growing shalom bayis, true Yiddishe nachas from your children, and to raise them amidst good health and ample sustenance. •

With blessing,
RST