די ערשטע גוטע שטיקל געשריבן איבער פייגי מאיער

Forgive me for writing this in English, but I can't concentrate on the faded Hebrew letters on my keyboard while I'm fasting. And I'm in the mood of writing about this topic now, as I've been feeling increasingly infuriated by how it has been handled both by ex-chassidish opportunists and by the secular media in general. As you can tell from the title of this post, I'm talking about the Faigy Mayer topic. Like thousands of people everywhere, I was beyond saddened to read of her suicide. For someone so young to feel as if she has nothing left to live for -- what pain she must have been feeling! And if it is true--as some of her friends claim--that she was off her meds that day or week, well, that's even sadder. It feels, somehow, as if this tragedy could and should have been prevented.

In the days that followed Faigy's death, a number of publications wrote about the story, most blaming the "freakish Hasidic cult" for doing this to her. Some writers claimed that all of Orthodoxy was complicit in her death, or other variations of this premise. The words used in nearly every article included *ostracized*, *shunned*, and *cult*. Almost every article and facebook post blamed the community Faigy had voluntarily left for their failure to help her.

I kept trying to understand the mindset behind these claims. (I'm also trying to figure out what *shunned* means in this context.) Here's a young woman who left the chassidishe world before she was saddled with a husband or children, when she was still young and physically attractive, with a bachelor's degree from Touro College. Her parents were devastated that she abandoned the lifestyle, but by her own account, they accepted her after an initial "meanness" on their part. None of the typical whining we see among ex-chassidim apply here. Her parents hadn't forced her to marry someone she didn't love. She wasn't stuck with a kid at age 20. She even had a college degree. In other words, she defected from the chassidishe world under the "best" possible circumstances.

Five years after she leaves, she writes an email crying over her past. But it seems as if these five years hadn't improved her life much. She still seemed to have no friends. She had no money. She was evicted from her apartment. And she had no network to lean on for help at all. Obviously, I'm not blaming Faigy's suicide on these factors. If she was suffering from depression, it would have been very hard or impossible to control her suicidal thoughts, regardless of what her life included at that moment.

But neither is the chassidish (or Orthodox) world to blame. The chassidish world is full of rules that can make a person feel stifled, but it is also a safety net. The fact is that the community provides its people with some assurances, e.g. chassidim don't lose sleep worrying that they will be dying alone in their beds. They don't worry about homelessness. They don't worry that they or their children will go hungry. And so on. Whatever their failings may be, the chassidishe community takes care of each other for the most part.

Those who decide to leave the community usually leave after much angst and soul-searching. Despite whatever good parts Chassidism may have, these people decide that living under the circumstances prescribed by the community isn't worth it. Kol hakavod! So be it. Ultimately, it is that individual's choice. But once the person leaves, they leave the good along with the bad. It is unfair to expect the community whose values the defector renounced to keep offering their safety net

Which is why it so infuriating and disheartening to see ex-chassidim repeating this claim: It's the chassidim's fault! I get that the secular media is quick to latch on to this line. Why not? It's so easy to despise chassidim. But I would expect the reasonable OTD person to admit that the chassidishe community is no longer culpable once a person chooses to leave it. Considering that nearly every single OTD person has spoken/written hatefully about the chassidishe community after they left, it is even more ironic that they expect the community to help them when they're down.

At any rate, I should get back to the title of this post. Today, surprise of surprises, I found a post that actually talked sense. Biggest surprise of all, it's written by Deborah Feldman, whose book (which I haven't read, so this is hearsay) was said to be riddled with lies and exaggerations about the chassidishe lifestyle.

Here's her post. I'm interested in hearing what people have to say.

deborahfeldman.tumblr.com/